My sister got married 2 weeks ago. My time was spent split between "Oh, I'm so excited to do this!" and "Let's elope, Jason."
I mean, my goodness. I have never seen so much stress in one situation. My sister's didn't even contain most aspects of a modern wedding, and it was certainly a flawless and perfect day, but so much stress! And I can only imagine it at a more average wedding. I've worked theater onstage and been stage manager backstage, I've met deadlines and watched dress rehearsals go up in flames and played orchestra concerts, I've improvised orchestra concerts - nothing is quite like this performance. And I mean let's be straight with ourselves here - weddings these days are a performance. The nonsensical etiquette, the "traditions" (read: shows) we put on for our guests of tossing various items into the air, performing an awkward dance unlike all the dances to follow, cutting a cake (how did this even get to be a tradition? I mean somebody had to do it, right, the cake had to be cut... so how did it turn into something that everyone gathers around and photographs?!) allowing people who should NEVER hold a microphone to speak in front of everyone that matters to you (my father gave an especially tasteless toast that we're trying to figure out how to prevent next year)...
It is bizarre that these things are the norm, even expected, on the day you join with your significant other in a union. How are they representative of marriage at all? Truth is... they're kind of not. I'm sure everything can be fabricated into some tradition from the 1400s when the cake represented the sweetness of consummating the marriage or something awkward and weird, but it's all just symbolism. When really all the symbolism necessary for a wedding is the vows stated by the couple, representative of their hearts joining and embarking on the journey of marriage.
I know I'm probably starting to sound cynical; in fact, hypocritical, because odds are good most of these traditions will be repeated at our wedding next year. I don't dislike them or have anything against them. I just don't get it. Which is what inspires my urges to elope instead of continue planning the wedding I know I will have. I am stressed out of my mind over things I don't even understand. And don't make me feel dumb here, nobody understands them fully. Some people like them, some people dislike them, but nobody actually gets it. When they are, most likely, included in our wedding it will be simply for the sake of funsies. Just for something to giggle at, something that's fun. Fun is the point of some things. But some things are just pointless.
So for all intensive purposes I'm abandoning pointless wedding expectations.
Number one: the dress-buying experience. I tried on dresses. It was fun, because it was with my mom and my sister, and then it was with my mom and my best friend (pretty much my sister). Here's the thing - I don't really enjoy shopping. I have an uncommon build and it's hard to find things that fit right. So this process mostly just stressed me out. It was beneficial because I was able to find what looked good on me, but there is just no way I'm bringing myself to spend that kind of money on a garment. Sorry world. My friend recommended one of the dress wholesalers online (gasp from anyone who knows about weddings nowadays - online wholesalers have horror stories all across the board about the dress not being what it was supposed to be). She said her dress was perfect, and I've seen pictures, and it really was. Beautiful dress. So I checked out the site, and instantly found my dress. MY dress. It's everything I wanted, I know the shape looks good on me, so guess what? I'm ordering it. When we go to Phoenix this month I'm going to find a seamstress to take my measurements exactly and then I'll order it. It's only $150. Hullo. Even if there's something wrong, I can afford to have it altered and not stew in my own shame for spending a month's rent (or more, you crazy ladies...) on a purdy dress.
Number two: we're just not inviting everyone and their mother. Sorry, cousins we've never met. Sorry, "friend" I talk to once every ten months. Over the past couple of days we've been working on slimming down our guest list to people we actually care about. We know that our wedding will probably already be small, being on a Thursday and far from almost everyone on the guest list, but we're so much more than okay with that. First of all, it's cheaper - yup, I said it. I don't want to pay $25 bucks a head for someone I never talk to ever (and yes I know that's already cheap). Second of all, I'd love to be able to actually talk to - have a conversation with - everyone attending. I want some sense of personal relation throughout the day. Not a queen overlooking her crowd giving a wave. That is weird. "Thanks for being a part of the most intimate and personal moment of my entire life, allow me to wave at you because I don't really have time to spend with those that aren't my closest friends and family." No, I want to be surrounded by only my closest friends and family. I'm sure I won't get this wish entirely, but as we're slimming it down the guest list makes me react with excitement to the people on it, not "Oh yeah, we should invite them."
Number three: I don't care what anybody says, we are having breakfast for dinner.
I'm sure more things will be added to this list as we throw tradition to the wind, but I feel a sense of peace having come to terms with certain things like this. I'm more excited than stressed out, and I think that balance will only tilt more in my favor as time passes and we cross things - things that matter to us - off the list.
I mean, my goodness. I have never seen so much stress in one situation. My sister's didn't even contain most aspects of a modern wedding, and it was certainly a flawless and perfect day, but so much stress! And I can only imagine it at a more average wedding. I've worked theater onstage and been stage manager backstage, I've met deadlines and watched dress rehearsals go up in flames and played orchestra concerts, I've improvised orchestra concerts - nothing is quite like this performance. And I mean let's be straight with ourselves here - weddings these days are a performance. The nonsensical etiquette, the "traditions" (read: shows) we put on for our guests of tossing various items into the air, performing an awkward dance unlike all the dances to follow, cutting a cake (how did this even get to be a tradition? I mean somebody had to do it, right, the cake had to be cut... so how did it turn into something that everyone gathers around and photographs?!) allowing people who should NEVER hold a microphone to speak in front of everyone that matters to you (my father gave an especially tasteless toast that we're trying to figure out how to prevent next year)...
It is bizarre that these things are the norm, even expected, on the day you join with your significant other in a union. How are they representative of marriage at all? Truth is... they're kind of not. I'm sure everything can be fabricated into some tradition from the 1400s when the cake represented the sweetness of consummating the marriage or something awkward and weird, but it's all just symbolism. When really all the symbolism necessary for a wedding is the vows stated by the couple, representative of their hearts joining and embarking on the journey of marriage.
I know I'm probably starting to sound cynical; in fact, hypocritical, because odds are good most of these traditions will be repeated at our wedding next year. I don't dislike them or have anything against them. I just don't get it. Which is what inspires my urges to elope instead of continue planning the wedding I know I will have. I am stressed out of my mind over things I don't even understand. And don't make me feel dumb here, nobody understands them fully. Some people like them, some people dislike them, but nobody actually gets it. When they are, most likely, included in our wedding it will be simply for the sake of funsies. Just for something to giggle at, something that's fun. Fun is the point of some things. But some things are just pointless.
So for all intensive purposes I'm abandoning pointless wedding expectations.
Number one: the dress-buying experience. I tried on dresses. It was fun, because it was with my mom and my sister, and then it was with my mom and my best friend (pretty much my sister). Here's the thing - I don't really enjoy shopping. I have an uncommon build and it's hard to find things that fit right. So this process mostly just stressed me out. It was beneficial because I was able to find what looked good on me, but there is just no way I'm bringing myself to spend that kind of money on a garment. Sorry world. My friend recommended one of the dress wholesalers online (gasp from anyone who knows about weddings nowadays - online wholesalers have horror stories all across the board about the dress not being what it was supposed to be). She said her dress was perfect, and I've seen pictures, and it really was. Beautiful dress. So I checked out the site, and instantly found my dress. MY dress. It's everything I wanted, I know the shape looks good on me, so guess what? I'm ordering it. When we go to Phoenix this month I'm going to find a seamstress to take my measurements exactly and then I'll order it. It's only $150. Hullo. Even if there's something wrong, I can afford to have it altered and not stew in my own shame for spending a month's rent (or more, you crazy ladies...) on a purdy dress.
Number two: we're just not inviting everyone and their mother. Sorry, cousins we've never met. Sorry, "friend" I talk to once every ten months. Over the past couple of days we've been working on slimming down our guest list to people we actually care about. We know that our wedding will probably already be small, being on a Thursday and far from almost everyone on the guest list, but we're so much more than okay with that. First of all, it's cheaper - yup, I said it. I don't want to pay $25 bucks a head for someone I never talk to ever (and yes I know that's already cheap). Second of all, I'd love to be able to actually talk to - have a conversation with - everyone attending. I want some sense of personal relation throughout the day. Not a queen overlooking her crowd giving a wave. That is weird. "Thanks for being a part of the most intimate and personal moment of my entire life, allow me to wave at you because I don't really have time to spend with those that aren't my closest friends and family." No, I want to be surrounded by only my closest friends and family. I'm sure I won't get this wish entirely, but as we're slimming it down the guest list makes me react with excitement to the people on it, not "Oh yeah, we should invite them."
Number three: I don't care what anybody says, we are having breakfast for dinner.
I'm sure more things will be added to this list as we throw tradition to the wind, but I feel a sense of peace having come to terms with certain things like this. I'm more excited than stressed out, and I think that balance will only tilt more in my favor as time passes and we cross things - things that matter to us - off the list.